Ann Emerson - Published in APR

   Ann Emerson is a friend, fellow poet and member of a Buddhist support group for seriously ill people.


Below an excerpt from another blog, "The Poet By Day.":

CONGRATULATIONS ANN EMERSON

By Jamie Dedes on January 28, 2013

Ann Emerson, American Poet

Congratulations to our treasured friend and fellow poet, Ann Emerson, featured in the January/February issue of American Poetry Review (APR). Bravo! and big Hugs! to Ann. APR picked up four of Ann’s poems.

Ann has been writing poetry for several years now. She discovered – as I and more than a few others who read here have – that retirement opens the door to time for things that matter: mainly poetry, which is both creative expression and healing power. Ann currently studies with Ellen Bass in Santa Cruz, California. She’s had the opportunity to work on poetry with Jane Hirshfield, Dorianne Laux, and Joe Miller.

APR is one of American’s premier poetry periodicals, second only to Poetry magazine, the 100-year-old publication of the Poetry Foundation. APR has been published continuously since 1972. In tabloid format, it is available in hard and electronic editions. It has a world-wide circulation of some 17,000.

To read Ann’s poems, you can buy a copy of APRHERE. Several years ago Ann’s poetry was featured in the Alaska Quarterly Review, the literary publication of the University of Alaska, Anchorage. She is a contributing writer to Into the Bardo. You can read her poetry on that site by linking HERE.

© 2013, Ann’s portrait, Ann Emerson, All rights reserved
Cover American Poetry Review ~ property of American Poetry Review and posted here under fair use.

Yosemite Time Lapse

Yosemite HD from Project Yosemite on Vimeo.

The Mountain As Family

Wild Geese
 by Mary Oliver

 You do not have to be good.

You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting-
over and over announcing your place
In the family of things. 

     If you know something of my background, you understand why family is a concept with some gaping holes in it.  But, I think I've come to realize that the mountain is a part of my extended family. Although trust is a shaky concept where people are concerned, the mountain, for me, is solid, always welcoming, always trying to teach me to be a better self.  She has been teaching me for some time that to cling to safety (hold on to her for dear life) will produce the opposite effect - a fall.  Letting go of her hand sets me free and enables me to, at times, soar.

      I'm having the best ski season of my life so far.  Things that I didn't fully "get" earlier, I've come to a much clearer understanding of.  As a result, my sense of adventure is increasing as is my confidence as a skier.  To all of the many instructors who've worked hard and long with me, my sincere gratitude.

To Mermer Blakeslee, most of all, THANK YOU!

Choices

Live and let live ----good words to remember.

The Quest for Aurorae

Ole: the quest for aurorae from Royal Observatory Greenwich on Vimeo.

On Choosing the Path of Kindness

     When you become ill with a serious disease, you begin to focus in more and more on each moment, what seems truly important in life and how you choose to live.

     For myself, I try to choose the path of self-sustenance.  By that I mean, I try to be as positive as I can, to move as forward as possible, to find the best path through life.

    One example is my choice to ski.   I  ski, not mainly for sensual pleasure but for the sense of fulfillment it provides (a sense of gratitude for simply being alive, for bring a small part of an immensely beautiful universe).  There is a type of spiritual connection for me in skiing.  In addition to that,  any form of exercise is very good for my health, but something I love to do is even better.

     On a larger scale, I try to be conscious of how I am treating people in my day to day interactions with them.  I try to choose the path of kindness.  Often, I'm not conscious enough to be successful (especially if a situation is charged for me).  Nevertheless, I keep trying in all cases.

     A simple smile can be like a light in the darkness.  I remember having an elderly woman go way out of her way to help me find things in the Truckee Safeway one day.  I didn't really need her assistance but I was struck by her intention to be kind and helpful.

      There is a different path I think we all find ourselves on at times.......the path of judgment.  I think it relates to fear somehow......perhaps a fear of behavior one doesn't understand or relate to, a fear of open expression as if one were asking to be bashed in the head.  I wonder what it would feel like to walk a mile in the shoes of the person being judged.   If we can actually put ourselves in the shoes of that person, it might be eye-opening.

     

Parkinson's Disease/ Depression

        Per Wikipedia, Parkinson's Disease (PD) is a degenerative disorder of the central nervous system. The motor symptoms of Parkinson's disease result from the death of dopamine-generating cells in the substantia nigra, a region of the midbrain; the cause of this cell death is unknown. Early in the course of the disease, the most obvious symptoms are movement-related; these include shaking, rigidity, slowness of movement and difficulty with walking and gait. Later, cognitive and behavioural problems may arise, with dementia commonly occurring in the advanced stages of the disease. Other symptoms include sensory, sleep and emotional problems.  By the time the first visible symptom of PD occurs, 80% of the brain cells in question (dopamine generating cells) have already died.  Currently, there is no known cure for PD.

What is Dopamine? (Psychology Today)

Dopamine is a neurotransmitter that helps control the brain's reward and pleasure centers. Dopamine also helps regulate movement and emotional responses, and it enables us not only to see rewards, but to take action to move toward them.

Depression is one of the most common symptoms of PD.

Below, a long but highly informative lecture on depression by Dr. Robert Sapolsky:

Finding Mr. Right

     If you read my last post, you know that I was a highly enthusiastic ballroom dancer for approximately 7 years.   These days, however, I rarely dance.  Strangely, I miss it to some degree but no at all to the extent you might expect.  If my husband enjoyed dancing, no doubt we would do it together.  But he doesn't.  We did a choreographed Waltz for our wedding dance and I promised him I wouldn't ask him to take up dancing beyond that.

    You might wonder, though, how we got together.  What did we have in common?  Did we each know what we were looking for and how important each of those traits was?  We did.  Strangely enough, we had separately attended the same class on "Relationship Needs/Wants/Desires," so we had actually sorted out our priorities.

    I knew that what mattered most to me were character traits - honesty, fidelity, the ability to give and take in equal measure, etc.  A hobby was a nice thing to share with a mate, but otherwise, pretty low on my priority list.  The ability to communicate clearly was essential.  In order to really listen
to what was being said and take it in fully, I needed to know that love was always the driving force.
My husband and I are able to discuss anything.  We are able to resolve any issues, I believe, because we both know our relationship is more important than any point we may diverge on.  Also, we don't diverge on the structural points of life (morality, life goals, etc).   When you're lucky enough to find someone who makes you want to be your best self (at least some of the time), someone who teaches you the meaning of love in their every day actions, you understand very clearly just how lucky you are.

     Henry and I married (both for the first time) in our late 40's.  We both agree, we would never have recognized each other at an earlier age.   We also have a theory (as this was the case with each of us) that once you finally determine you want and are ready for "the" relationship, you don't have to go out in search of the other person, they will simply fall into your lap!

     I've been with my husband for the last 10 years and they have been the happiest years of my life.
I would say that is true in spite of Parkinson's Disease.  But actually, having P.D. highlights even more just how much we mean to each other.

 

To Dance Or Not

     At one point in my life, I was a competition level ballroom dancer. I love to dance but I rarely do it anymore (unless you count skiing). For about 7 years, I did competition dancing - mainly International Standard (waltz, tango, viennese waltz, foxtrot and quickstep) and the American style version of those dances. I tried Latin dance (cha cha, rumba, mambo, swing....otherwise known as the "American rhythm" dances). I even once spent a month worth of lessons learning to do an International Latin style rumba walk. Then, having finally learned how to move my abdominal and back muscles in the right (painfully slow) sequence, I walked away from it. It just wasn't me! But give me a waltz and I could dance my heart out.

    At the peak of all of this dancing, having gravitated toward higher level competition instructors, I went to the U.S. Nationals and won a 2nd place for Tango (American style) and a 3rd place for Waltz (American style) for my division (Bronze..the lowest level). That sounds kind of impressive and it does require the discipline to practice but I really think ballroom dancing has a lot to do also with the application of money. Not that you buy judges, but you find the highest level instructor that you can, you fund the trip for him & his professional partner, you pay for high level additional coaching, ball gowns, etc.

    It's a wonderful hobby but extremely expensive. Strangely, the competition aspect can drive you, but in the end, for me, it felt like it was bleeding away my enjoyment of just the dance.  I did once win a scholarship competition (Grand Ball, SF, International Standard Bronze). I won $300 and first place in all dances. THAT was the highlight of my dance career! Eventually, I stopped taking lessons as I bought a house and the financial strain of competing was becoming untenable. When my instructor gave me an ultimatum--"Do out of state competitions or quit," I said goodbye to the whole thing. Though I miss dancing at times (the feeling of joy pouring through your body), skiing, I suppose is my substitute.

     Below is a video of professional ballroom dancers doing several international standard dances.

Here is another video showing professional level International Latin dancing:

Video of sunrises

31 | the sunrise project from JJ Starr on Vimeo.

Good Words

http://www.isuwannee.com/

Skiing, the Prayer

   I spent an interesting few days in Tahoe this past week.  Drove up Tuesday AM, arrived later than desired to Sugar Bowl but felt pretty good once I finally got on the snow.  I decided to accept my own challenge and try some steeper runs.  Got on one, looking over the edge, saying to myself, "Whoops!  Is this one ungroomed?  Looks steeper from this angle."  Followed by..."You know you can do this!  You know you have the skills!"  And then I proved to myself that I did!  So, I went on from there to my current nemesis, Donner's Way, an entry level black at Sugar Bowl.  My goal is to become comfortable on that run.  I know I can do the run...but I want to do it eventually on my terms (i.e. beautifully graceful linked turns).  Tuesday, I made progress toward that goal and realized I didn't have to be afraid of it...that it was a matter of practice, of allowing the skills I already have in large part to be applied, to blossom in this steeper setting.

    I guess certain people ski for the adrenalin rush.  I'm not one of them.  I ski to attempt to dance with the mountain.  It can be an act of indescribable beauty, feeling as though you are controlling your fall into the arms of a loving, welcoming world.  It s beyond the ordinary....difficult to describe but almost like a prayer in which the mountain, sky, air, snow, trees, gravity, all of nature form a cathedral and you are the tiniest atom harmonizing in a beautiful dance of trust, motion, self-belief!

  Had to leave to go for a boot appointment--to get my left boot canted 0.5 degrees (SO much easier to get the left ski on edge now--wow!).

   On Wednesday, skied a total of 4 runs at Squaw(Mountain Run twice).  Skied the first run and who should I run into---Chrystal (in her lesson).  She and I were meeting another Parkinson's princess for lunch at the base, Alice.  So, 3 Squaw instructors ended up joining us for lunch (that was really nice of them!)  Got a chance to finally meet and speak with Alice (who's out for the winter from Georgia).  I wonder if Dr. Brandabur, who is responsible for setting up the initial PDP (Parkinson's Diva Princesses) understands just how much help she has provided by helping us connect with each other.  Alice & I are meeting up at Northstar week after next.  But beyond that, in her and Chrystal, I believe I have connected with 2 other women who definitely understand what PD is like--this is enormously valuable to me (particularly as I feel pretty disconnected from my non-PD friends these days).

  With all of that, you wouldn't think I'd  have a chance to go into a downward spiral, but I did.  I can't bring Carmen, the wonder-love dog with me because she's getting too old to cope with outdoor steps (Henry insists on not stressing her..and I agree).  So, when those "child abandonment "issues kick in and I feel the world is an unwelcoming place, there is no Carmen to hug the evil spirits away!  As a 2 year old, I learned the world and its events are unexplainable/potentially chaotic at the drop of a hat, beyond your control. You can be turned upside down on your head and you are fundamentally alone in the world.  Perhaps when I'm 85, I'll learn how to better adjust.  In the meantime, I try hard not to bother people who don't want to be bothered and often fail----which makes me feel even better and more worthwhile.

   Luckily, I then go home to my loving husband and dog and feel restored to something approaching a more normal state.  Thank God for the gift of them.

Below, an awesome ski video:

Revelation, a visual poem

Unimaginably tired.

On Meaningful Connections

     On my five hour drives to Tahoe, I usually listen to audiobooks.  It makes the trip very pleasant and I actually miss not being able to do it at times.  I love that chunk of time.  Currently, I am listening to a course called "Stress and the Human Body."  It's a "Great Courses" audiobook offering.  The lecturer is Dr. Robert Sapolfsky, a medical researcher and professor at Stanford.

      In studies on primate infants, it is the infants who are touched and held more frequently by their mothers who actually grow more, have better memories, function much more optimally than their counterparts who receive less attention.  In fact, in studies where primate infants are kept in isolation,
 their growth is stunted.   Their reaction to the isolation is chronic stress syndrome.  In extreme cases, they will die.

     On some level, I believe we all "mother" each other from the momentary passing smiles we choose to share with strangers to the day to day style in which we interact with those closest to us.  For myself, I can't explain why, but I have this sort of connection with the mountain.  She always welcomes me into her domain and is always trying to help me learn.  Beyond "mother nature," for me this relationship is personal and important.

     There is no connection more meaningful to me than the one I have with my husband.   Of course, I love him but there are moments that we both get on each others' nerves.  Nevertheless, in him, I have a lover, my best friend. the ultimate mentor (though not always as sympathetic as I'd wish) and, on some level, we are mothers for each other (i.e. we counsel each other, offer warmth and caring, listen, etc etc).

     Trust is a large obstacle in the formation of relationships for me.  I did not receive consistent care from my mother as she wasn't around (she was ill).  As a result, I have a tendency to look for mentors in different aspects of my life.  Sometimes I give my trust too easily (as with a poetry mentor who completely misjudged what I wanted from him (male, needless to day....small minds).  That relationship no longer exists and, in reality, never did.

    I had a ski mentor (also male).  As important as skiing feels for me (at one point it was a life raft in an ocean where PD was sucking me downward), you can imagine that this person would be highly meaningful to me.  Time will tell whether or not or to what extent that relationship survives.  If as I suspect, this man is kind but essentially always saw me as simply a "client," it will die and so it should. Or perhaps, it will evolve into its own form of friendship, unquestionably genuine, mutually supportive ( a relationship that threatens no others).  Perhaps I live in LALA land!

     I now have a woman ski coach and do not know her well enough to know how that relationship will evolve.  I think it will have stronger boundaries based on my past experiences.  I am willing to trust her however because she comes recommended by another woman ski mentor/friend whom I love (SO much easier to deal with other women!)

     I am once again involving myself with Team in Training---the ultimate mentorship program.......an absolute win/win and the coaches are excellent motivators and also know how to establish boundaries.

     I have a friend on the internet who is partially autistic. At times, our communication becomes a bit
garbled.  But she is so open, direct really, as well as so full of unquestionable goodness and love, that one csn't help but trust her.  In many ways,  she is one of the wisest people I know.  We are mentors for each other.  Her outlook on the world is one of the most open I know.

    We are visitors, spirits passing through life.  In a blink of the eye, it is over.  If we try to be conscious, to see beyond our preconceived filters/issues, maybe there are opportunities to bring a spirit of loving kindness rather than mistrust (I address this to myself) into each moment.  Perhaps we can send seeds of smiles out into the air around us and hope they will grow into strong trees that touch the sky.

The Beauty of Art

I wish I could have formally studied art. Of course, life isn't over just yet, so who knows?

 There is a sense of magic and wonder that permeates the world, in day to day life. I think it is most easily noticed when one is out in nature and especially when interacting directly in ways that harmonize with nature's forces (i.e. skiing, surfing, swimming, bike riding/hiking through woods, etc).

 For me, this can also be true when observing art. That makes sense to me because an artist seeks to share something of what he/she experiences/sees, beyond what appears on the surface. There is certainly skill involved in knowing how to portray an emotion/experience and then in the execution of the work.

 I don't think art is usually static. But to see, for example, the countless brushstrokes that portray an ocean moving in a given moment, or the flick of a brush that sweeps an elegant dress in the wind, all on a two dimensional canvas....there is definite magic in that!!


 The attached vimeo video shares an experiential art exhibit, i.e. one which is alive, in constant flux.....one in which the beholder is free to participate in segments of the action.



 
the event of a thread from Paul Octavious on Vimeo.

Be Brave, Be Safe

     Attached is a video of a guy whose passion is skateboarding.  He is also blind.



   

Be brave, be safe from Amsterdam Ad Blog on Vimeo.

Art Exhibition/Father Philanthropy

(http://www.high.org/Art/Exhibitions/Mauritshuis-Collection.aspx)


 Art Exhibition Opening January 26, 2013 • de Young • Herbst Exhibition Galleries (San Francisco) Girl with a Pearl Earring: Dutch Paintings from the Mauritshuis The de Young will be the first venue in the American tour of paintings from the Royal Picture Gallery Mauritshuis, The Hague. This extraordinary exhibition features 35 works from the Dutch Golden Age, including the celebrated masterpiece Girl with a Pearl Earring (c. 1665) by Johannes Vermeer. Rembrandt's Century Drawing largely from the world-renowned collection of works on paper in the Fine Arts Museums' Achenbach Foundation of Graphic Arts, this exhibition explores Rembrandt's predecessors and his impact on followers. 




Attached is another vimeo video about a fellow who is a master art forger and has donated many of his forgeries to museums across the country! Personally, I think I'd be happy to have one of his forgeries.
Mark Landis - Father Philanthropy from The Avant/Garde Diaries on Vimeo.

Why??

   The world is full of SO many whys, so many questions.  One would hardly think that leaves much room for judgment, envy, hatred or just plain dislike and meanness.  But I suppose humans are far from perfect, are they?

   I get SO tired of trying over and over again and not meeting my own wishes for improvement.  But then I tell myself, it is the journey, each precious moment of experiencing the sheer sweetness of breath that matters as nothing else really does. There is a type of courage in coming back over and over again in spite of whatever.  If only we (especially me) could choose the path of compassion in dealing with ourselves and each other.  I wonder if that would make us truly rich.

   I love checking out vimeo videos as the quality is usually astonishing!  Here is one I very much liked, a kind of visual poem:

LUX AETERNA from Cristóbal Vila on Vimeo.

HOME

So, so good to be home!

PD Skiers - Unite!

    There is a group of women with Parkinson's Disease in the Bay Area and surrounding regions who meet once/month to have lunch/talk about life. The group is called "Parkinson's Princesses." I occasionally join them for lunch and always enjoy it!

     One of the women in that group had sent out a message to the group asking if anyone wanted to join her on a ski bus trip to Kirkwood. I decided to join her! She is a more advanced skier than me but can you imagine what it was like for us to get together? We had the most fantastic time! To say that we had common points to discuss would be strongly understated! From the topic of how our husbands respond to our PD idiosyncrasies, how the drugs we take are working, our mutual love of art, etc etc. we could have talked non-stop the entire day. But we skied a numbers of runs together too. I've been invited to join her at Flamenco class Saturday morning and hope to do so!

     May be skiing with another buddy shortly also -- my former classmate from the Alpine womens' Wednesday group a couple of years ago! SO NICE to have ski buddies to hang with. I get lonely often skiing on my own. I think it's one reason I've taken so many lessons! I know I need to practice more on my own -- I do own my own ability to ski and very definitely want to keep improving!

More Entertainment

The Presets "Promises" from Special Problems on Vimeo.

Just for Entertainment

"Flowers Timelapse" from Katka Pruskova

and one more, for travellers,

"Ciao Traveller" from Celesty Lee:

Ciao traveler :) from Celesty Lee on Vimeo.

Consciousness - Living From Our Right Brain

         Based on the video presented below, the left hemisphere of our brain operates in a methodical and organized manner.  It organizes and categorizes information from the past along with new information to project the impact on our future.  It is responsible for analytic thought, logic, language, reasoning and numbers.  It is also responsible for our ability to identify ourselves as separate beings, the aspect of self we call ego.  Our right brain hemisphere, on the other hand, connects us to the present moment.  It operates holistically by providing data in the form of pictures.  It is the area of the brain responsible for art awareness, creativity, insight, intuition, music and spatial (3-d) awareness.

        On December 10, 1996 Dr, Jill Bolte Taylor, a Harvard neuroanatomist, suffered a stroke on the left side of her brain.  This video is a TED talk in which Dr. Taylor describes her experience of a left brain stroke and what she learned from it.....namely that we have the choice, moment by moment, to choose who we are and how we want to be in the world (i.e. to be aware enough to consciously select, at any given moment, which side of our brain we give priority to....the side that identifies us as a separate entity or the side which sees us as simply part of a whole.

      She expresses it much more lucidly, I think, in the attached video:

Consciousness

      I am a member of a Buddhist support group for seriously ill people.  In the time I have been involved with the group, perhaps 5-6 members of our group have died. ( i have been a member almost since its inception as it was formed by others coincidentally shortly before my Parkinson's diagnosis).  Our group is headed by a retired psychologist and another psychologist (Rob,also a grief counselor in his spare time) is a member.   
   It is difficult to cope with people that you like/love dying.  Buddhists don't believe in permanence and though I may carry that wish inside of myself, I certainly know that life is full of transitions and I believe that death itself is another form of transition.  We cannot hold on to anything or anyone too tightly as it simply isn't under our control.  I like to think, however, that our spirits can still access each other to offer help, loving-kindness, etc. 
   In a strange way, I almost feel it's a type of gift to be part of the circle of someone who is dying.  Not necessarily easy as you know you will miss that person and it's pretty hard to deny the reality of death when you're seeing someone approach it.  In fact, you (I) may want to hide in a cocoon more than anything.  But there is no hiding; there is only the truth and the understanding (imo) that what we need from ourselves and others, more than anything else,is unconditional mercy and kindness.  It may come in many forms, not all of them pleasant.But i think all of them involve the best of intentions.  Somehow that leads me to the concept that we are all (hopefully) trying to be our best selves and we all have things that we're learning.  Death is merely some type of transition.
   Needless to say, these are beliefs/opinions.  Rob, the grief counselor, sent out a link this morning to a video of a Harvard neurologist who, having had a near-death experience, has written a book called "Proof of Heaven."  Dr. Eben Alexander describes his experiencesand offers us his insights into the concept of "consciousness."

consciousness |ˈkän ch əsnəs| (Oxford dictionary)nounthe state of being awake and aware of one's surroundings : she failed to regain consciousness and died two days later.• the awareness or perception of something by a person : her acute consciousness of Mike's presence.• the fact of awareness by the mind of itself and the world : consciousness emerges from the operations of the brain.

It's lengthy (45 minutes) but fascinating, to say the least.

   

Why Do I Ski?

     The first time I ever skied, I was in my late 20's.  I had a group of friends who would annually rent a cabin for a week in Truckee and gather to downhill/cross country ski, catch up/socialize, make and have great meals.  I was part of the cross country group ( a very casual group).  One morning, a group of friends going downhill skiing asked me to come along.  So, clad in jeans, I took a beginner's group lesson (at Alpine Meadows).  Needless to say, it was a disaster.  I fell a lot. was painfully frozen and vowed never to try it again!

    About 20 years later, my then boyfriend (now husband) suggested we go to Tahoe for Xmas and that I take a group lesson (again at Alpine Meadows).  Although I had a cold, I agreed (strictly to humor him).  He insisted that I needed to have the proper clothing and equipment to properly experience skiing.  It turned out that he was absolutely right!

   That Christmas day, it was snowing a little bit.  But I was quite comfortable in my (borrowed) neon pink outfit.  I would not describe myself as naturally gifted at skiing - if anything, the opposite.  It felt very foreign to me to move around with long sticks attached to my feet.  But I was laughing a lot, noticing how beautiful and fresh it was.  It had a sense of magic and wonder about it.  I felt the hook sink in!

   As Henry was tied up with work many weekends, I discovered the Bay Area Ski bus as a way to get myself to Tahoe to ski.  That first season I skied 6 times, the following 12 times, then 25, then 30+ each year since then.

   What I discovered was a way to dance with the forces of nature and Earth, to seek the harmony of flow, to feel (I'm not sure how else to describe it) a sense of something beyond the ordinary day to day a sense of home unlike any other.

  I often refer to the mountain as "Mother Mountain."  She is a force to be reckoned with, one that demands her rules be understood.  And yet, I always have the sense of her trying to help me to understand.  She and I hold each other precious.  For me, it is a type of spiritual connection.

  I can definitely be fearful; I am not a natural athlete.  But, over the course of time, I have learned that knowledge is the key to growth and confidence.  The more you know, the better you are able to "fly".  People will think this a highly risky activity and there are things that can happen that are beyond your control (being collided into).  But, the more you know, I think the better you understand your capabilities.  I don't know anyone who would describe me as "over-confident."

  Perhaps the best way I have if describing what skiing means to me is to share the following poem videos:

On Wacky Childhoods

     Many of us grow up in less than ideal situations.  I am one of the many.

      When I was two years old, my mother had a nervous breakdown.  I remember it vividly.  We were living on the island of Guam (now a Japanese tourist resort, then the site of a U.S. Navy base, a U.S. territory located in the Marianas Islands).

     I remember sitting in a locked car (as a 2 year old not allowed into the hospital) screaming and hitting the car window as I watched my mother being dragged away into the hospital.  She was also screaming for me and trying to break away.  Eventually, I saw her at the window of a third floor room, still staring at and screaming for me.

   I was so frightened of being abandoned, when my father returned to the car, I grabbed his hand and refused to let go of it.  He was forced to take me into work with him.

   I grew up with my mother going in and out of mental hospitals.  She was paranoid/schizophrenic.
For long periods of time, she could function fairly well as long as she took her medication.  But, inevitably, she would stop taking it at some point.  Then hallucinations would multiply, she would withdraw from life and would have to be forcibly returned to the hospital.
 
   I spent enough time with her in a stable (and unstable state for that matter) to understand how much she loved me.  That was never a question.
 
   Neither was it a question for my father, who reacted to my mother's illness by becoming an alcoholic.

   As a 2 year old, I remember thinking that I needed to learn how to clean the floors because no one else might be able to do it.  I reacted by doing my best to become a super achiever and by escaping into my own fantasy life.

   In this fantasy, I lived on a farm with a lot of talking animals, all of whom loved me and took care of me.  I think that fantasy kept me going in a lot of ways....that and somehow the will not to give up.

  It is one reason why I identify with the sport of triathlon.....because though it may involve training, 3 sports, etc, it is fundamentally about not giving up.  It is about spirit....and that is me ( I like to think anyway.)  Even though there are points I feel I could give up, I think of mr husband and his strength and love and I stand as strong as I am able to.  I also thank God for the gift of him in my life.

Trying to Learn Art

    I retired from my job for medical reasons a couple of years ago (at the initiation of my boss).  I had been for approximately the last 10 years of my career employed by the same company.  It is a medium sized ($40 million revenue), publicly traded medical device company.  For 9 of the last 10 years, I was its Controller (in charge of all internal accounting and finance functions....payroll, receivables, payables, SEC reporting, budgets  & forecasts as well as certain external areas...our annual external audit, tax, compliance, legal requirements).  I had a staff of 5 people and reported to the CFO.  In my last year with that company, I stepped down from being the Controller to a position as the "Internal Process Improvements" manager (responsible for Sarbanes-Oxley compliance, etc).

   When I left that job, I was a bit lost for quite some time about who I was at that point in my life.

As mentioned in an earlier post, I woke up one morning and spontaneously started to write poetry.

So, it looked like I was drifting toward the creative side of myself.  I've had a long standing interest in the visual arts but basically not much in the way of formal education.  Took a few adult education classes, a few courses for the general public at Filoli Gardens and worked for a couple of months with an actual artist on my drawing skills.

    Here are some samples:






























These include 3 pastels, one of my first oil paintings and a charcoal drawing I completed in a class with a local artist.

Carmen the Dog

    How wonderful to be at home with my husband and our much loved (but aging) dog!  Carmen, the dog, spends much of her day sleeping.  Her eyesight is starting to fail and she's definitely slowing down but never in terms of all the love she has to share!    She is my first dog.  She is now age 12.  We adopted her at approximately age 10 from a rescue group.  I don't think we will ever choose to live without a dog after our experiences with Carmen.

    I had wanted to have a dog for a long time and started volunteering at the Humane Society to get some real life experience.  I really enjoyed doing that.  The dogs were always SO grateful for the time and attention of the volunteers.  I suggested several dogs there that we might consider adopting to my husband, Henry, but none of them clicked with him.

    When we went to visit a 6 year old Flat Coat retriever that was up for adoption from Homeward Bound, who stuck herself like glue to both of us?  Carmen, the golden retriever, made it perfectly clear that she was the perfect dog for us.  Within 15 minutes of meeting  her, my husband and I agreed completely.  So, we drove home with her that afternoon!

    She came to us fully trained and in the best possible medical shape. She was spayed at age 10.  As a result, they speculate that she was someone's backyard puppy producer, abandoned when she became too old to produce any more puppies.   Homeward Bound, the rescue group, did an exceptional job of ensuring that she received all of the medical care she could use.  Our vet was very impressed with that as well as with Carmen's demeanor in general.

    Carmen knows her way around.  She has been well socialized.  She is so gentle that if she starts to chew on something of concern, you can open her mouth and remove the item without a  hint of protest from her.   And, of course, she is bursting with love to give.

    Having had her as part of our family for two years, I dread the thought of losing her.  And yet, I have to say-- we have been so extraordinarily lucky to have had her be part of our lives.

    Here are some pictures of her:

Life and Skiing

As I enter something like my 8th season of skiing, I am finding that each day out on snow is better than the last! This is a great feeling. On my most recent day at Squaw I had a private lesson with someone recommended to me by a good friend. It was the most amazing lesson I've ever had. To label this woman an expert is an understatement, more like an expert among experts. And just as you would hope, I learned in a way that surpasses any other prior experience. I skied with more confidence and grace.....so much so that certain moments were sublime. Where I normally might have fretted over bumpy snow or conditions, I tilted and rolled into carves across whatever was ahead...and it worked so easily!!!

 While I was certainly happy with the changes I was experiencing, I was at the same time sad. It was approximately in my third season of skiing that I started to work with a private instructor and we skied together for about 5 seasons. I started from Level 1 I suppose and went to the edge of where I am now...perhaps Level 6...just on the outskirts of being an advanced skier.

 In the season that I started working with him, I also took my first women's clinic and generally gave myself permission to begin spending more money to learn to ski....because I had been diagnosed with Parkinson's Disease and I didn't know just how long I would have to ski. Whatever time I had, I wanted to maximize my use of it.

 Over the course of 5 seasons, I grew very strongly attached to my instructor. He was a mentor, a highly empathetic listener and I had a lot to talk about. He is a very kind person, a husband and father to two children. To say I thought of him as a good friend would be an understatement. More like, I wanted him to be present at my death, to be one of my pall bearers.

 For some reason, he felt that would be cheating on his wife and that he could not go on as my coach. He felt that he could not meet my needs fully and so we stopped working together. For me, though younger, he was very much of a father figure. As someone who came from a chaotic childhood, losing this man as a mentor/friend was very painful. And yet, one cannot force others to be something they don't want to be.

 I stumbled across a poem I had written for my husband and it stood out all the more for me. I love my husband very much and I am loved in return. And although the future could hold some scary prospects, he stands firmly by my side. Here is the poem:


 Strength

 He is the mountain around which my heart grows,
 the man who swallows tears,
 because he knows

 I slowly pass through white out.
 Before his eyes,
parts of me begin to fade.

There is no scream loud enough
to wake the gods,
to stop the blizzard in its tracks.

And yet, he smiles.
He does not run; he does not hide.
He walks beside me, each caress a shield
against the never ending storm.