On Wacky Childhoods

     Many of us grow up in less than ideal situations.  I am one of the many.

      When I was two years old, my mother had a nervous breakdown.  I remember it vividly.  We were living on the island of Guam (now a Japanese tourist resort, then the site of a U.S. Navy base, a U.S. territory located in the Marianas Islands).

     I remember sitting in a locked car (as a 2 year old not allowed into the hospital) screaming and hitting the car window as I watched my mother being dragged away into the hospital.  She was also screaming for me and trying to break away.  Eventually, I saw her at the window of a third floor room, still staring at and screaming for me.

   I was so frightened of being abandoned, when my father returned to the car, I grabbed his hand and refused to let go of it.  He was forced to take me into work with him.

   I grew up with my mother going in and out of mental hospitals.  She was paranoid/schizophrenic.
For long periods of time, she could function fairly well as long as she took her medication.  But, inevitably, she would stop taking it at some point.  Then hallucinations would multiply, she would withdraw from life and would have to be forcibly returned to the hospital.
 
   I spent enough time with her in a stable (and unstable state for that matter) to understand how much she loved me.  That was never a question.
 
   Neither was it a question for my father, who reacted to my mother's illness by becoming an alcoholic.

   As a 2 year old, I remember thinking that I needed to learn how to clean the floors because no one else might be able to do it.  I reacted by doing my best to become a super achiever and by escaping into my own fantasy life.

   In this fantasy, I lived on a farm with a lot of talking animals, all of whom loved me and took care of me.  I think that fantasy kept me going in a lot of ways....that and somehow the will not to give up.

  It is one reason why I identify with the sport of triathlon.....because though it may involve training, 3 sports, etc, it is fundamentally about not giving up.  It is about spirit....and that is me ( I like to think anyway.)  Even though there are points I feel I could give up, I think of mr husband and his strength and love and I stand as strong as I am able to.  I also thank God for the gift of him in my life.