Permission

I haven't posted anything for a while as I've been navigating through my own murky waters.  I'm doing a sprint triathlon on October 6, 2012 with Team in Training.  It's a goal I set for myself to step out of standing still.  Last winter, I actually got to the point of not exercising at all.  For me, this amounts to a fairly high level of depression.  Yes, ski season was lousy.  Yes, I was overly dependent on my ski coach (no it wasn't anything beyond that and if you think otherwise, you either have no idea who I am or you are simply an idiot).  But this wasn't about weather or anyone other than myself.  It was about me, having PD and how I live my life!

Regardless of PD and its changes in my life, I am and have always been a fundamentally strong woman
trying to find the best path at any given moment.  Sometimes I forget that or I let the "PD/negative" voice have its way.

I am not totally comfortable swimming, less so in the ocean.  That's actually the point of doing the triathlon - to face the fear, become more comfortable, a much better swimmer, get out with people, make friends, MOVE and smile because life is so good!  It really is when you shut off the voice that says "no, can't, not good enough."  I am plenty good enough and there are so many people reaching out to help me!  For this I am full of gratitude!

I got through the first open water swim at Coyote Point less than elegantly.....but more than good enough to feel very happy about.  The second one at Cowell Beach in Santa Cruz was harder.  I learned the tide picks you up off your feet and puts you down.  But I spent too much time swimming on my back and had a horrible time sighting the buoys.  Got around the first one ok and then kept going in the wrong direction.....which led to the PD voice screaming louder and louder "you can't do it."  In fact, I had more than covered my distance.  Mentally, I broke down.

However, I have taken that experience and learned from it!  I now have optical goggles, a strategy for sighting and a feeling of certainty about my ability to do it!

I stumbled across a video this morning that really clicked with me.  It's a TED talk by Heidi Boynton, a cancer survivor and, coincidentally, the coach for Team Mermaid.   This is a talk about "Permission."  She talks about what she has learned being ill and it's focused on what happens when we give ourselves permission to fully love ourselves with all of our fraities, mistakes, weaknesses....in the full glory and acknowledgement of who we are.  When we are able to do that, we are then able to extend that feeling beyond ourselves to others.

Below, one of the best talks I have listened to - Heidi Boynton: